I'm back!

It was a helluva in 2012 and I am glad that it is over. I truly believe that things happen for a reason, but 2012 was a doozy in terms of life and my energy towards everything was low. Therefore, my creativeness was low and un-productive as was anything else in my world. I stopped caring about me and my imagination went the way of the gooney bird. So instead of complaining about 2012, I will list the seven lessons I've learned instead. I believe this is a good way to re-start my blog and commit to my writing habit. Plus the only thing i wrote during 2012 was list....

1. Working from home does not mean I'm not busy. I would always give my all to those who needed me at any given time. No matter if I had something else going on or wanted/planned on doing something just for me. Whether going to school to further my education or simply taking a bath, I would stop if someone needed a my attention for any little thing. It didn't matter if they were my child, a relative I barely liked or good friend. I would stop myself from doing whatever it was to focus on them. Giving my all. Looking back I see that most of that was a waste of time and I received nothing for all those missed opportunities. I would pass up many chances to do what  I intended to do, to help others complete their goals. I remember now that no one appreciates me more than me. Although I am not in any way disappointed about who I am now, I just think I should have spent more time being selfish instead of driving folks to the grocery store. 
2. My health is important. I used to make sure everyone around me was healthy. I would hook up herbal teas and scrubs for the ill and itchy, but never would explain how exhausted I was. I was always afraid that if I complained that somehow I would be considered a hypochondriac like certain folks in my family.  I was never afraid of doctors, I just felt that I could take care of the clumsy, tired and aches I had myself or push through enough to make it through the day without no one being the wiser. I realize now that was really selfish of me. My family only got a part of me because I didn't want them to worry, which, of course, caused them more worry than necessary. Now that the kids are grown and we moved far enough away from immediate family, I had enough time to really see that I need to take care of myself. Completely. No leaving out the details to various medical personal or lying to myself. Hell, sometimes I do need help and hell yes, I need medication to help me through the day. But so the hell what? I feel much better and I am, happily, taking care of me.
3. Ain't No Need to Tell Everybody Everything. Despite to what I said above and this blog, I have no plans to tell my medical or too intimate details of my world to anyone. I have always been very private and see no reason to tell everyone about myself now. Especially medical things. I don't enjoy talking about my medical situations. It is a self-serving sympathetic attitude that leads to the belief that one might be sicker than the medical personal says you are. You will not see much about my illness, any hospital stay or surgery I might of had. That being said, I do tell those I am closest to about some of my medical conditions and I would call you if i feel you need to know. If I didn't call you, you are not in my circle of need to know, therefore you cannot act like you know about me or my illness. The lesson I learned last year with being severely ill is that some people will try to compete with your illness and make theirs so devastating that yours become insignificant. But in reality what I had going on was definitely life changing for me and my love ones and I would not belittle that with advertisement on the Internet.
4. Plans change. I never thought Bob and I would be living in the Midwest. I never really thought we would leave Sacramento. I really thought I would live a marginal life with nothing really going on except boring Sacramento with family on every block. Then Seattle came along and I nearly lost my mind. I love that city. It stole my heart within a year and I can't believe we left it. But I find myself loving the quiet, stillness of Grand Rapids. Who knew this was what we needed. routines that don't really change, no hustle and bustling around. Just a few deer to look out for and some snow in winter. Its been a very slow and quiet three years and I've grown to love it. I'm too far for folks to drop by or stay too long and since most of my friends are on west coast time, no one calls after 8pm unless its important (somebody better had died). Although, we didn't plan on Seattle let alone Grand Rapids, both were the best things to happen to us. I would not change a thing about moving.
5. My advise isn't always needed.  When my sons were younger they were in our house following our rules, mostly. When we said "mow the lawn" that meant they have to move off the couch and mow the lawn. It wasn't hard unless the grass was extra long or the lawn mower was old (which was more often than not). But they were expected to pull their weight around the house and "mow the lawn". Now they both have been out of household for awhile now and I can no longer expect them to mow the lawn. My ideals and expectations for them have not changed nor have my "you-better-do-as-I-say"isms. But I can no longer parent them by sheer force. Only by suggestions and only when I am aware of their situations. Which is barely now. They share more stuff with each other than they ever will with us. Somehow, we are the blame for this situation as they grew up with the "you only have one brother" rule we grilled into their heads. It seems to have back-fired on us as they tell us only as much as they think we should know and hold each other's secrets fiercely. Damn it. I suppose that is good because brothers should be close. But still, I believe I have some knowledge that I need to impart if only they would ask. Or I am completely disillusioned and confused and therefore my advise is unwanted. 
6. My Parents right (sometimes). My mother has a way of saying shit to you so that when you walk away it bitch-slaps you like a heart-attack and you lose all sense of what happened. My father is the great lecturer. These lectures can last a very long time and one has to decipher his southern accent to understand that he unhappy about something you did. Then come the scriptures that correlate with the offense that you committed. As a child, I preferred the whooping. It didn't last as long and you were usually sent upstairs untethered by their tyranny. As an 47 year old adult, I still prefer the whooping. But every once in a while my parents will impart some wisdom they accumulated and pass it on to me almost cordially. Sometimes it takes a day or two for it to sink in, but when it does I always have to stop and say "Damn. Mom was right".
7. I love my man. This may not be a revelation to anyone who knows us. But for me to admit it out loud online is huge for me. I've always kept my relationship with Bob quiet for whatever reason. What I mean is that, one knows we are together and we are affectionate in public but never overly. I just always thought it was unnecessary because I always assumed that he knew. But after being so sick these pass seven months and watching him pray over me, I realize that I would be lost without him. He has become my anchor and my life. I have fallen for this dude hard and he is it for me. I am truly grateful and appreciative of him and honored to be his wife. He is everything God intended for me and that is more than I ever wanted for myself. I love my man and that in-itself is rather good.