Kenny's Day

Twenty-five years ago today, my older brother, Kenny, died. I am still grieving. I never thought I would miss someone like this. Not even a brother. But then again I never thought any one of us would actually die. Even during the funeral I was in disbelief. As if someone would wake me up and tell me to get on with life. But no one ever did. So every year on February 4th, I consider all that I've done with my life in the days since he died. I think mostly about my sons, the one he was Godfather and the one he never met but knew was coming. 

I always find myself on this day, doing busy work as to not think about him. It would be easy to just sit and reflect on those good days with him around but the memories are all replayed over and over like an old movie that you know all the words to. I don't want anyone to see that I am still grieving for this brother when I have 4 others still living. But they all fall short of what Kenny was. 

Maybe it's easy to romanticize someone when they are gone. I know some of siblings have taken his memory to new heights making damn near Jesus. But I don't see him as that. I saw him as one of us. One of us that been the trenches of 608 and survived to see adulthood.

Not all of us made it. There are a few who only are half alive and mostly living on lies they put in their own heads. I choose to just live and change my position in life by making it better. Getting out of the way of the 608ers and their quest to own everything they never worked for. Allowing them to lay claim to their nothingness. 

The Logan's grandmother had this saying: Your mother only raises housewives and whores. I was trained to be a housewife. I am the damn good one too. Although I always wish i was a bit of whore sometimes just for kicks. 

I chose to just be the crazy poet I am and the Mom by boys need me to be. I chose to be Bob's wife and very good one at that.  In that small way, I believe, I honor Kenny's life and gives me room to understand what my lot in life is. 

Still I miss my Big Brother today. Hopefully he is looking down and smiling saying, "Well done little sister...."